Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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