I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
