Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
