its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
