i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
