finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Randomize
