I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
