Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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