did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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