WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize