I have demons in me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
