Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
