Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
