i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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