Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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