Three words: puerto rican gang bang
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
