dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize