He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
