If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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