two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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