And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
