I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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