you didnt know i had herpes?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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