while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
