some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
