she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
