So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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