I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
