Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
