I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my shit smells like andre
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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