No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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