oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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