There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
