Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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