went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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