Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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