Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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