I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
