im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
