Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
