totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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