his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize