i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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