it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize