You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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