Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
