i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
