i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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