she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
