The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
