you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
