I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
