My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
