ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I supernannyed him into submission
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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