Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You are a genius and a whore.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
