i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
